Funny quotes.

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh" - Conan O'Brien

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'" - Larry Miller

"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." - Douglas Adams

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose." - Dennis Miller

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett

"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends; if they are okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner!" - Lynda Montgomery

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin