"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"
"The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."
"Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?"
"Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up."
"How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?"
"Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs."
"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"
"Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise."